Rough road

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To all of those who have been trying to support me these last few months, I want to say thank you. I haven’t been the easiest person to deal with.

Once again, my moods are bouncing around all over the place. Earlier today was okay. I had a nice chat with a friend. I made a delicious bread pudding. And I dropped off a copy of my resume and an application at an area bank.

But I’m also getting sick again so I decided to lay down for a quick nap after I got home from said bank. Bad idea. I just can’t get my damn brain to shut off long enough to get some quality rest. I woke up totally depressed and thinking about cutting. I went so far as to get out my razor blades and sit there and stare at them.

All those thoughts going through my mind. Who cares? What difference does it make? Why bother? What’s the point?

And it just went down from there. I ended up staring at pill bottles for a very long time. In fact, I have no idea how long it was. I completely lost track of time. There must be something deep down inside stopping me. I don’t know what it is, but it’s probably better not to question it.

I’m sorry for being such a downer. I’m trying to do what my therapist has suggested. I’m trying to write. I’m trying to draw. I’m trying to combat these negative thoughts. But I don’t know that I’m getting anywhere. And that frustrates me.

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About katm

I'm just your typical depressed donkey. I'm an abuse survivor. I deal with the pain and stiffness and other fun stuff that goes with fibromyalgia. I used to teach English for a living but because of my health, that isn't any option anymore. I love to cook and feel most in my element when I'm in the kitchen tinkering around.

5 responses »

  1. (^^^well said these bloggers! )

    my dad once said to me ‘it’s difficult, but try not to be depressed about being depressed’… as if it were that easy, lol!
    but it’s good that you can say this stuff, and allow these feelings to be expressed, no matter whether they are ‘downers’ or not.
    Just expressing them has got to be the first step towards healing them?

    i’m sorry you’re going through such a rough time kat,
    lots of strength, yeah?

    p.s. thank you for that kind comment on my blog :)

  2. Sometimes it is very hard to write out a statement like, “I want to quit.” But we do it because that’s how we feel. It’s hard to write out, “I want to cut” but we do it because that’s how we feel. The one thing writing does for me is put my thoughts out in the open and let them be scrutinized by others so my supports can bring out truths and contradict past distorted thought processes. It also helps to write so I can ease my mind. Stuff gets to be so heavy and the pressure so intense that the age old saying rings true, “better out than in.” I have to put it someplace other than inside my head so I write it. If I post 6 times a day it’s because there is too much in my head to leave sitting there. Writing eases some of my ills just enough to let me keep going.

    Austin

  3. It is frustrating to cognitively know what you should do, yet feel so differently. The way I’ve fought temptation is to pray, pray and pray, along with listening to a CD I put together of music that just praises God (like Casting Crowns ‘Praise you in the Storm’…doesn’t always work, but it’s better.

    Do you have someone who knows what you do and checks on it…or someone you can call and be accountable to? It helps…

  4. i am a woman sitting in a room in a house in washington, d.c. and i am real, and i care about how you feel. i lived with depression for many years, not from the pain that you suffered at the hands of others, but from what i was told was a genetic displacement within my own body. even my medicine turned against me and created greater suffering.

    as mentioned in others’ comments, depression presents itself to us as a powerful, complicated illness. what i want to tell you is this, there is a way out of the tangled brush…a way out of the complicated emotions that make you feel trapped.

    do not give up. please do not give up. there is light, and there is love, and there is more contentment than you at the moment are able to imagine. keep fighting for your way out. meditation became my way, and mindfulness as taught by thich nhat hanh (which is as much a christian teaching as it is buddhist).

    i hesitate to write too little but don’t want to bore you with too much, but i want you to know if i had taken those pills i would have missed the years of contentment, peace, and joy that have been mine since i have become well. i am older now, and i have been well for quite some time. i am writing a book about something else right now, but sometimes i think one day i should write a book about recovering from depression.

    your bloggers, your commenters, have wonderful suggestions for how they are finding their way. i am grateful for their beauty.

    and i am grateful for your courage, your beauty, your strength, and your creativity. you are far more incredible than you know.

    i send love.

  5. I think maybe sometimes saying something like “I want to cut” or, in my case, “I want to run away” is a sort of prevention… by acknowledging the urge, it somehow strengthens the part that resists.

    I continue to be amazed at how powerful depression is — that it’s not content to be just depression, but how it provokes guilt and shame and reaction upon reaction upon reaction. It helped me to label that voice — to separate it from my real self. The voice of depression says this or that, but that’s not really me.

    I also recently realized that my inner critic is trying to help me — misguided, hurtful, but not intending to harm. That helps a lot, too; helps me be a bit more compassionate towards myself.

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