Parents and Children

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I was at the park today. I just needed some fresh air and to get out of the house. Actually Grandma was getting real close to driving me insane. Plus it was actually above freezing today…

Anyway, I was watching a family playing in the snow. Mom, dad, and a kid who looked about 4 or 5 years old. The little one was laughing and having a great time in general. And the parents appeared to be having a blast too

There was a huge snowball fight. Making snow angels. Building a snowman. All those things that little kids love to do.

I was so freaking jealous. I can’t even explain it. My soul just ached. All I could think about was how I wanted a Mommy and a Daddy.

It hit me all at once how little my parents were with me. And when they were, a lot of it was about them and me making them look good. Dance recitals were about my family sitting in the front row making a good showing. Same thing for band and choir concerts. Award presentations were about how they could tell their friends what great parents they were, not about my accomplishments.

I feel bad for feeling the way I do. I know a number of people who lost their parents to death at very young ages. At least mine were alive and in my life. I feel like I have no right to complain. Things could have been a lot worse. So who am I to complain?

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About katm

I'm just your typical depressed donkey. I'm an abuse survivor. I deal with the pain and stiffness and other fun stuff that goes with fibromyalgia. I used to teach English for a living but because of my health, that isn't any option anymore. I love to cook and feel most in my element when I'm in the kitchen tinkering around.

4 responses »

  1. there’s this great quote from Richard Bach i keep in my ‘stock quote collection’ –

    ‘Sometime’s we’re not born with our family’

    families can be so difficult, sometimes they work out for some people, sometimes they don’t. I know that jealousy you describe, i used to go round friends houses as a kid just to sit and watch the other parents talk to their children, my friends in a freakily relaxed way…

    Some of the best, most committed people i know (who are friends, or lovers, or relatives) have only become so because they have learnt the REAL worth of what it means to be family, often through having a hard time themselves.

    i know words aren’t much use sometimes
    (hugs)

  2. You’re not alone in those feelings. I too feel that when I see other children and parents enjoying a great time and all appear so happy. My childhood was wretched too so I can empathise so much with some of the things that you put in your blog. I do so understand the heartache you describe.

    Take care,
    Sisyphus

  3. We don’t have to minimize our own feelings / weaknesses / wounds just because other people have “worse” ones.

  4. I agree with Marcy’s comment. I don’t think suffering can be compared. You obviously felt the lack of true nurturing during your childhood, and I think that must be just as hard (if not harder) than never having had parents.

    I had my mom when I was growing up, but she was disconnected and aloof. It feels as if I grew up without a mother, really. So I know what you’re talking about. Sometimes sadness overwhelms me when I allow myself to wonder how different things might have been had she enjoyed me, delighted in me. I’ll never know, but I raised 5 sons and I delighted in them (and still do now that they’re all grown.) I think not having had a true mother myself made it easier for me to love my own kids, if that makes sense.

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