I saw my therapist today. She asked me to try to imagine what it would be like if I enjoyed taking a shower. It really is a completely foreign idea for me. It makes me anxious to even think about showering, but fears must be confronted.
So if a shower were to be enjoyed, I’d imagine it to be very relaxing. Feeling the water beat down on my tired body. Feeling the tension just flow out of my body and down the drain with the water. Feeling my chest open up from the steam.
I would use an expensive body wash, not the cheep stuff I use now. It would smell like fruit. Fresh and clean. Maybe something like this. And I’d take the time to shampoo my hair twice and then condition it. Like the body wash, it would smell wonderful and be an expensive kind. Maybe this shampoo and this conditioner.
I would take my time. I wouldn’t rush in and out of the shower. Maybe I would light some scented candles. These look nice.
When I got out, I’d take the time to dry off with a nice fluffy towel. I’d take the time to smooth on some rich lotion. Perhaps this one, which matches the shampoo and conditioner.
In the end, I’d feel relaxed and confident. I wouldn’t feel like killing myself. I wouldn’t feel dirty. I wouldn’t feel scared.
That’s a lot to think about. I wonder if I will ever get to this point. I guess, as my therapist reminded me today, it’s all a matter of breaking it down into small manageable goals. And then tackling those steps one at a time.