Trust is a huge issue for me. In the past, I’ve never let myself get too close to people for fear of getting hurt again. One of the things I’ve been trying to do recently is work on building trust with a few people. It has not been easy, and I’m just as likely as not to push people away when I feel like they are getting too close. But I think I was making a small amount of progress. I’ve been able to talk about some of the more painful things with one friend.
Today I found out that one of the people that I thought I was learning to trust has betrayed that trust. I said things that I didn’t want other people to know. And although I can’t be certain what I said was repeated, things that other people said in confidence to that person were. How am I to believe that my privacy and trust were not betrayed as well?
So now I sit here, shaking and crying because I just don’t know what was repeated. I’ve been working hard to stay away from the edge, but this is pushing me ever closer. It feels like for every step forward I think I take, I get knocked backwards six steps.
The thought that goes through my mind is “why bother”. Why bother trying anymore? It just comes back to bite me in the arse. It was easier when I relied only on myself. I knew that even though it was overwhelming, nobody was going to hurt me.
I’m scared to keep trying. I don’t know if I can believe the next person that says “trust me”. I don’t know if I can trust any of the people that I thought I could.
Deep down, I’m very confused.