Emotions, Fears, Relationships

Betrayal of Trust

Trust is a huge issue for me. In the past, I’ve never let myself get too close to people for fear of getting hurt again. One of the things I’ve been trying to do recently is work on building trust with a few people. It has not been easy, and I’m just as likely as not to push people away when I feel like they are getting too close. But I think I was making a small amount of progress.  I’ve been able to talk about some of the more painful things with one friend.

Today I found out that one of the people that I thought I was learning to trust has betrayed that trust. I said things that I didn’t want other people to know. And although I can’t be certain what I said was repeated, things that other people said in confidence to that person were. How am I to believe that my privacy and trust were not betrayed as well?

So now I sit here, shaking and crying because I just don’t know what was repeated. I’ve been working hard to stay away from the edge, but this is pushing me ever closer. It feels like for every step forward I think I take, I get knocked backwards six steps.

The thought that goes through my mind is “why bother”. Why bother trying anymore? It just comes back to bite me in the arse. It was easier when I relied only on myself. I knew that even though it was overwhelming, nobody was going to hurt me.

I’m scared to keep trying. I don’t know if I can believe the next person that says “trust me”. I don’t know if I can trust any of the people that I thought I could.

Deep down, I’m very confused.

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6 thoughts on “Betrayal of Trust”

  1. Just a crazy thought, but I’m gonna throw it out there, because I can.
    Ever tried hugging someone while holding a razor?
    Meh, just an interesting thought.

    -Tom Dandy

  2. Well I think in part you are compounding your own anxiety and yes, pain. What is the worst thing that could happen if everyone knew the worst things about you or what has happened to you. Will they laugh, stop being your friend, will they make fun of you? All of these things are unlikely.. but even if they did occur. Will you die, will you keep doing your daily habits?

    I was raped when I was in 5th grade, I was in an abusive relationship for 7 years… I keep being a moron and picking the wrong guys to date. I suffered from low self-esteem and low self-respect for many many years. My work record is spotty at best, completely worthless at worst. I have a failed marriage and now am a single mother that has a hard time with it at times. I yell and scream at my daughter when I become way too stressed out. I do all sorts of crap… and look I just wrote them out to a stranger and for the public to view no less. >looks around

  3. Prettygirl….

    I do understand what you are saying. The world won’t end if people know this about my life and I won’t die. Obviously neither of these things have happened in the 6 weeks since starting this blog.

    But my point is that a confidence was betrayed. That hurts almost as bad as the initial abuse. Things that were told to this person were told in a setting where confidentiality was supposed to be the key. And this person broke it.

    Maybe I’m overreacting, but this is how I feel for better or for worse.

  4. I guess, maybe I want to make choices that make me feel better or at least ok with things. I don’t think overreaction is real, it is how you ARE reacting.. how can it be OVER reacting then? Anyway, it seems bad things have happened in your life that have caused you pain… and you are still feeling the bitter bite of that pain. Personally I would take any means in order to feel good and happy.

    Just remember you have the choice…. you can choose for the better.

  5. Yup, sometimes when I talk to someone and I hear all of someone else’s business I wonder what that person is saying about me. You know if someone ends a conversation with, “and please don’t tell her I told you this.” then you know they’ve said it other times. So yes, I understand very well that you feel betrayed. I’d ask the same questions, did she tell others about me? Was I foolish for reaching out? Why on earth did I even try, this is what happens when I try. Oh I know the whole “you’re so stupid” lecture. I know it verbatim, don’t even have to look at the notes anymore. On the other hand there are two things you’ll learn about people, they can be both trustworthy and unworthy of trust. They can also move back and forth between the two without losing the confidence of others. What I’m saying is, sometimes people have that gossip character flaw and other times they’re plain untrustworthy. You have to try and figure out which one this friend is and what you can trust her with.

    A person with a bit of that character flaw may be a person that should be given just so much of your trust. What I can tell one person I may no be able to tell another. It is my hope that a character flaw doesn’t prevent me from seeking the kind of support I need to keep myself making steps towards healing. This is her character flaw or her proof of an untrustworthy person, not yours so please don’t stumble over it. Basically I’m saying three things, 1) I understand 2) she may or may not be trustworthy but take steps to find out which means you might want to talk to her and 3) keep moving despite the result of her ability to be given sensitive information.

    until again,
    Austin

  6. Austin wrote:

    “Yup, sometimes when I talk to someone and I hear all of someone else’s business I wonder what that person is saying about me.”

    Exactly…it took me awhile to figure this one out, and I figured it out the hard way, but now I know the truth . Trust is a major factor for me…and has been for a very long time. I have started trusting again…..but only a few people…and only within the last 6 months. But I also…found out that my trust had been betrayed by someone. But it was just this ONE person…and I should have seen it coming, for she has said things to me about others. So I should have caught on sooner….that if this person is speaking about others to me…then I should know that she is speaking about me to others.

    I am talking in circles. My lesson in this…if someone talks to me about others, and tells me not to tell…..I now know right away that this person CANNOT be trusted. But I will not lose my Faith in the other people that I have built trust with. I will see this character flaw in any future friendships that may come my way. I will be more cautious..yes. But I won’t let this one person ruin what I have spent the last 6 months rebuilding. My eyes are just more open to the truth now….

    Please don’t lose your Faith in others….just be more aware. There are trustworthy people out there.

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