I always get a kick out of reading Experimental Chimp’s Answers to Search Queries. I’m not going to do that. Well I am, sort of. But in a different way.
Anyway, as I was looking at the searches that brought people to my blog (and some of them crack me up), one from February 26th really caught my eye.
“what would happen if I abused my child”
I can only hope that the person who searched for this was trying to avoid doing anything to a child. Or that they were trying to keep their temper or impulses in check. Or if they are doing something that it is an attempt to stop.
So what will happen? I can only speak for myself. But I know my reactions aren’t all that unique. In the last few months, I’ve written about many of these things.
For me, the abuse has profoundly affected who I am and the way I view myself and others. I struggle daily with self hated and self blame. Even though I hear over and over again that it wasn’t my fault, I still struggle with blaming myself.
I learned that it was okay for other people to hurt me, although I’m working on unlearning this. It’s slow going. And it’s very easy to fall back into putting others before myself, even when it’s to my detriment.
I have extreme problems with trust. And that leads to serious deficits in interpersonal relationships. When people start getting too close, I push them away. It’s like a reflex. I don’t even think about what I’m doing. It takes a major mental commitment to keep from doing it. I do it with online friends and real life friends.
When people touch me, even if it’s in a friendly way, it physically hurts me. The thought of a hug, even from my best friend, terrifies me.
I wish I could get the money and the time back that I’ve spent in therapy and hospitals trying to rebuild my life. I wish I didn’t have nightmares every single night. I wish I could feel confident in myself and my abilities. I wish I had the courage to date. Aside from the time and money, I’m working on getting these other parts of my life closer to some sort of normal state. It’s going to take a lot of time and money.
And that, dear reader, is some of the things that might happen if you abuse your child. I hope you read my words and thought long and hard before doing what you might have done. If I can prevent just one child from living the life I lived, then it will be a good thing.