Well it’s just before 3 am as I sit here writing this. And once again I’m awake. I’m listening to Radio Caroline as I write.
I think about heading over to the futon (no beds right now) and I just cringe. I don’t want to subject myself to the torture of dreamland. If I have one more nightmare I swear I think I’ll scream. Writing the stuff down doesn’t help. When I close my eyes I can see him and feel him and everything that goes along with it. The one thing I want out of life right now is to sleep like a normal person. Regular dreams. No fear. No anxiety. Just a simple nights sleep.
I found myself earlier tonight reading some of my old journal entries. And the same thoughts and stuff that was going on in my life 6-10 years ago is still going on. I do have to admit I had a rather peaceful time in 2005-2006, at least up to about Thanksgiving of 2006. But now it seems like all the progress I made is completely gone. This might be a slightly distorted view of the reality of things, but it’s how I feel.
All day today I found my mind drifting to thoughts of suicide again and again and again. I tried to keep my mind busy with doing the test matrix for the latest BOINC alpha build. But my thoughts were so scattered it took me hours to get through only a subset of them. And the scattered nature of my thoughts frustrates me and make me more depressed. It’s like a never ending spiral.
I know that I should be more concerned about the suicidal thoughts. I have the means right here in the house. Somehow I can’t bring myself to even care about it. If it comes to the point where I decide to end it all, then that’s that. I’m not sure what is stopping me right now, but there must be something. And I can hear the voices of certain friends saying “That’s a good thing.”, but I’m not so sure about it. All I know is that I’m very tired. Physically, mentally and spiritually. And death doesn’t seem like that bad of a thing right now.
And if the suicidal thoughts aren’t bad enough, I keep thinking about cutting. I went so far as to pull out my razor blades and stare at them. I did all I could to stop myself from going any further than staring at them. And I can say that I did succeed in stopping myself, but it wasn’t easy. It seems like the perfect way to release everything that is going on inside of me. It’s almost like I need something to make all this emotional pain real. But that doesn’t make any sense either. I thought about getting rid of them a long time ago. Why I didn’t, I’ll never know. And even if I did, the store is just a 2 minute drive from my house. So access is still easy.
I’m exhausted and I’m confused. I haven’t had a proper meal in weeks. I have a headache that just won’t go away (probably from not eating). I constantly feel like I’m on the verge of a panic attack. While chatting with a friend on-line earlier this evening. I had to tell him to make some jokes really fast (which isn’t always the easiest thing for him to do because his native language is Spanish). He asked why and I told him I was starting to freak out. Thankfully, he didn’t want any details because I’m not sure that I could have shared why I was freaking out. He didn’t crack any jokes, but he made me think about other stuff, so that helped.
Well…. it’s been a good half hour since I started this. And nothing is any clearer in my mind. I guess I’ll attempt to lay down and pray that the nightmares leave me alone tonight.