More about James

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So I’m going to try and finish what I started last night.  Please bare with me if it gets scattered.

I dated James for 3 years.  The  relationship started out ok.  Then the yelling started.  That escalated into the physical violence.

Around the middle our of sophomore year, he wanted me to start sleeping with him.  I was raised Catholic (in a very conservative parish too).  I don’t believe in having a sexual relationship before marriage (which is probably why I’ll never have one, but that’s for another post).  I told him no.  And he was fine with that for a while.

But all his friends wanted to know why we weren’t sleeping together.   In a way it was an insult to him.  He was this big man and I didn’t want to sleep with him.

So the summer between our  sophomore and junior years he raped me for the first time.

It was a hot July day.  He asked again if I would sleep with him (after not asking for a couple months).  I said no.  And he got angry.  He pushed me onto the couch.  And he started to undress me.  I told him not to do that.  I begged him.  I told him I loved him and I wanted to wait.  But he did it anyway.

The only thing I really remember is the pain and me begging him to stop.
When  he finished, I went home and took a shower.  I felt so dirty and disgusting.  And then I sat in my room and thought about killing myself.  I came so close that day.  I had that bottle of pills in my hand.  I took about 4 of them and then I stopped.  I have no idea why.  In all honesty, I wish I had killed myself that day.

And here’s where I have to stop.  I need to get some fresh air and try to compose myself.  I’m shaking and I can barely breathe.

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About katm

I'm just your typical depressed donkey. I'm an abuse survivor. I deal with the pain and stiffness and other fun stuff that goes with fibromyalgia. I used to teach English for a living but because of my health, that isn't any option anymore. I love to cook and feel most in my element when I'm in the kitchen tinkering around.

6 responses »

  1. You should report him in the first place. But, do not take your life there are many people that want you here probably more than you know. I lost someone to suicide and I wish I knew he needed the help because he needed a good friend and I was not there for him when he neeeded me the most. I really miss him and people would miss you. There is help if you need and if you are posting to this you can find it.

  2. Hey….u know wat there is freind whom you can trust….there is a freind whom you can share all your problems,all your sorrows……and the wonderful thing is this freind already knows about your problems your sorrows,your feelings……His name is “Jesus”.And he loves you very much….he loves you so much that he died on the cross for you.And nothing can seperate you from the love of christ.

    You just cry out to him….and remove all the hurt which is stored in your heart……and ask him to heal your broken heart…..and you will find a comfort and peace which you never experienced before.

    I have gone through similar hurt and abuse like you have gone through.But since i accepted jesus as my saviour life has been wonderful.
    i know its hard for you to trust human beings…as many of them have failed your trust.But try trusting jesus . i’ll be praying for you.

  3. i really understand what you have gone through, and from reading your post i can see how painful all this must have been for you.

    I would ask you to read about Islam, and how Islam has Spoken about the greatness of the women and the importance that should be given to them.

    you can visit my website as well as
    http://www.islaam.ca

    your friend in truth.
    SS

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