Trying not to cut

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I’m trying my hardest to fight the self-injury urges I’m having now. But everything is in the front of my mind right now. And somehow cutting seems like the best way to make all of those thoughts and feelings go away.

It’s been close to 6 years since the last time I cut. I was in the hospital. It was right around the beginning of February. I was hurting so bad and looking for a way to make the pain go away. I was in the bathroom of my room and I saw this loose tile. So I pried it off of the wall, broke it in half and tried to cut myself with it.

It suddenly dawned on me how poor of a coping mechanism cutting was. It was like I was looking down on myself while floating above. I took my sorry self to the nurses station and they stuck me in isolation for a few hours (gosh that was frightening).

In those few hours I decided that I didn’t want to do that to myself anymore. And I’ve done a good job of not cutting these last 6 years. I won’t say that I never have the urges, or I wouldn’t be writing this right now.

This is my attempt to remain true to my vow not to cut ever again.  I’m hoping that it will work.  My preferred method is in my bedroom right now.  So I’m hoping by staying in the office/living room I can avoid seeing it and reduce the temptation.

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About katm

I'm just your typical depressed donkey. I'm an abuse survivor. I deal with the pain and stiffness and other fun stuff that goes with fibromyalgia. I used to teach English for a living but because of my health, that isn't any option anymore. I love to cook and feel most in my element when I'm in the kitchen tinkering around.

2 responses »

  1. I’ve struggled with the same urges for half of my life . I’ve found many positive ways of coping that keep me from acting on those urges , and many of those coping methods just naturally take over now . But there are still those moments when the need to SI completely consumes me beyond doing anything else .
    What I have found helpful in those times is to allow myself the option to act on it , because it is an option – but just one among many . Giving myself permission to use that option takes away the internal struggle that keeps me focused on NOT doing it and frees me to move on with my thoughts to explore other ways of coping .
    Rather than avoid , I’ve gone so far as to take out the razor blade and keep it near me all day long just so I know it’s available , and I find when I do that I never need to use it . It becomes just another available tool and not an enemy I have to resist . It takes away the power those urges have over me , and gives that power back to me .

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