This whole not sleeping thing is making me crazy. Not that I’m all that far from crazy to begin with. But you get the point…
Despite the 8 hours of sleep I got Friday night (thanks to Jord’s mum’s grog), I’m still running a major sleep deficit. This has been going on for over a month now and I’m wondering when it will end.
Last night it was back to sleeping the entire 2 hours between 5 and 7 am.
I have no health insurance right now so getting meds to try and break this cycle is not an option right now. I’m hoping to have a job within another few months. And with that will probably come insurance. But by then, I’m hoping it’ll be a moot point. So I’m searching for other ways to help me sleep.
I find myself getting so anxious at the thought of even getting in bed. The flashbacks start. The quiet drives me crazy. My head gets so noisy sometimes It drives me so crazy that I’m running the window air conditioner in the middle of winter.
My thoughts start running away and my body wants to follow. But there’s really no place to run to. I could try to hide from my father, but I can’t hide from the images and feelings in my mind and body.
There isn’t any place I really feel safe at night. I’ve been sleeping on the futon in my living room/office. I do better with sleeping when it isn’t a bed. Or even a bedroom for that matter. I can’t even imagine trying to sleep in a regular bed right now.
When I start getting seriously sleep deprived, I start getting suicidal again. No big surprise there. It’s been like this for years and years now. Thank goodness for friends that are up at all hours of the night. It does help to have a kind ear at those times.
I do have to say that I’m not as severely suicidal as I was a week ago. The thoughts pass through my mind all too often still. But I’m not actively planning on how to do it. I don’t drive over tall bridges and think about jumping off of them.
But I still think about it a lot. And it still looks like an attractive option to deal with the overwhelming emotions in my life.