Hiding in my closet

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As I got somewhat older (around 10 or 11), I used to hide in the closet when I heard him coming up the stairs. I guess I figured that if he couldn’t see me then nothing would happen that night. It helped me feel a little safer at the time. Although it did work some of the time, there were quite a few times when it didn’t work as planned.

At first, he couldn’t find me. He would search my room. I guess he got so upset and frustrated, he left. But once, he heard me crying in the closet. I tried not to, but I was so scared, I couldn’t help it. I can still see his face when he pulled the closet open. The anger. He looked like a wild animal. His hair was sticking up in all directions. He had his pajamas
on. A tee shirt and boxer shorts.

In retrospect, I wonder if the challenge of finding me didn’t arouse him.

His voice was a hiss. I can’t think of another word to describe it.

“Don’t you ever hide from me again!” “Little girls should behave themselves!”

I was terrified. I thought for sure that he was going to hurt me in some way. I couldn’t say anything. I got into bed and imagined I was anywhere else.

In my head, I keep yelling for him to stop. He can’t hear me. I can’t say it out loud. I kept begging him to stop. But he wouldn’t stop. He kept going. He doesn’t care. He didn’t even notice that I was awake.

He looked so happy. I don’t understand. How can he be happy? Doesn’t he know that he is hurting me?

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About katm

I'm just your typical depressed donkey. I'm an abuse survivor. I deal with the pain and stiffness and other fun stuff that goes with fibromyalgia. I used to teach English for a living but because of my health, that isn't any option anymore. I love to cook and feel most in my element when I'm in the kitchen tinkering around.

One response »

  1. Terrifying. Both now to read of your experience and for you at the time. You ask: Why do people appear so happy? ……..when they are carrying out unpleasant (for others) tasks. Who knows what is going through their minds at the time…it is unfathomable to anyone who has any ounce of humanity in them. These people can be analysed, but in the end, they remain un-understandable to the majority of the population. No amount of analysis of them for them will stop them. They are frequently driven by selfish needs that are so strong they are unable to think of the consequences of their actions…..either for the person they are abusing or themselves if they are caught.

    Take care of yourself,
    Sisiphus

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