This is something I extensively struggled with a few years back. And honestly I’ve struggled with for most of my life in one form or another.
It’s been almost 6 years (will be the middle of February) since the last time I cut myself.
When I was in the hospital I worked very hard with the psychologists to develop more positive and healthy coping strategies.
Thankfully, I’m still able to say I haven’t cut myself in these last 6 years. But those positive coping strategies aren’t working as well as they used to. I’m finding myself faced with the urges to cut and thinking about other ways to hurt myself more and more frequently. And having to use multiple methods to deal with those urges.
I know there are multiple reasons why the urges come to the forefront of my mind. I have enough insight into my somewhat dysfunctional mind for that. A large part of it is finding a way to make the emotional pain “real”. By real I mean something physical and tangible. Something that I can see that proves how badly I’m hurting inside. I don’t want other people to see it. I learned how to hide it a long time ago.
Part of my crazy mind thinks that I don’t have anything to justify the amount of emotional pain I’m in. So by making it physical, it proves to myself that I’m really hurting.
In the end, I know I have a decision to make. Do I want to go back down that road of self-destruction? Or do I want to continue to work to make things better? I’m not sure which I want. I do know that I still feel extremely suicidal. And somehow I wonder if cutting wouldn’t minimize some of those feelings.
I should clarify that the vast majority of time self injury has nothing to do with suicidal feelings or ideation. And even now I’m pretty sure that the two aren’t related. I don’t want to cut to kill myself though cutting. I want to cut to make my pain “real”. I have other plans for the whole ending my life idea.