OK….  This is one of those things that might have been better left undone.

You Are Carefree in Life

You are the life of the party. You also are completely uninhibited and honest.You are happiest when you are inspired and creative. You like to live in the moment. You are self assured and even a bit vain. You like to look your best, even if it’s not comfortable or cheap to do so. You have found what you want in life and are quite content. You know a lot about yourself.

The Stripping Down Test

So I’ve been thinking about self worth the last week or so.  I think I shocked a coworker when I said something to the effect of “But am I worth it?”.

Let me backtrack and explain things…  I’ve started going to the gym.  There’s a full service gym literally catty-corner from my apartment.  I had to get over the “I’m so fat and people are going to point and laugh” feelings.  Not that kids on the streets here don’t point and laugh…  sadly many parents don’t bat an eye at this behavior.  And I’m not just talking little kids, I’m talking older kids and teenagers.  But that’s beside the point.  I’ve started going to the gym.  Yay for me.  For the most part the trainers there leave me alone to walk on the treadmill.  Two of my coworkers also go.  They’re my motivation right now.  They’ve threatened (semi-jokingly) to drag me by my toes if I don’t go on my own accord.

At first I was planning on paying by the day (about $5.50) because my plan was to go three times a week.  N and D (my coworkes) had other ideas for me.  I’m going to go daily.  I did pretty good last week.  I went four out of five days.  I missed Tuesday because we had a work event to attend.  So at 7000 Won a day, that was going to get expensive pretty fast.  I opted to get a montly membership (about $70).   If I can keep it up, I’ll get a three month membership when my month is up.

That’s the back story.  I said something at work like “I hope it’s worth it.”.  A coworker (Nor) said “Of course it is!  It’s an investment in you!”.  Which I replied.  I hope I’m worth it.  Not only did this shock her, it seemed to offend her.  I haven’t told her about my past.  In fact, I’ve only told N very small bits about my past.  So I can see how Nor doesn’t understand why I’d say something like that.

Anywho, I have to keep reminding myself that I am worth that money.

You Are a Lynx

You are a quiet observer of the world around you. Your wisdom comes from listening carefully. You’ve always been extra sensitive and aware. And it’s made it difficult for you to fit in.You see past people’s outward personas. You are able to penetrate a stranger’s soul. What you’ve learned about people is both beautiful and ugly. And you keep these secrets to yourself.

What Big Cat Are You?

Seems pretty accurate to me………

It hit me hard last night.  I’ve never actually felt sad before when thinking about my past.  I know this is probably a good thing.  It feels pretty bad.  And it kind of scared me.  But deep down inside, I realize it’s a new step in healing.

My biggest problem now is fighting the urge to push it all down.  I’m so used to doing that with emotions, that it’s an instant reaction.

I don’t want to be like that.  I want to be able to feel my emotions.  I don’t want to be so overwhelmed that I shut down.  I know it’s going to take a while.  It’s not something that will happen overnight.  It will also take work.

I’m going to take it in baby steps, much like the shower.  Maybe it’s ok to feel them a few seconds at a time and work my way up to where I can tolerate longer periods of time.

The other thing I’m not going to do is beat myself up for feeeling overwhlemed by my feelings and stuffing them.  It’s not a crime, and nothing bad will happen.  Yes, nothing bad will happen despite what I was told growing up.

Maybe it will work, maybe it won’t.  Maybe I’m destined to live my life as an emotionless robot.  Maybe that’s okay. However it turns out, I’ll know that I did try.  And maybe the trying is what’s really important.

I went to bed last night. It dawned on me as I was lying in bed. Ivory has me trained. I was all the way by the wall, basically smushed into the corner. She was all stretched out on the other part of the bed.

It’s true what they say. Dogs have owners; cats have servants.

I walking through Lotte Mart getting notebooks for my students and what do I see?  Crayola crayons.  Why should this excite me so?  Crayolas (or any American crayon brand) are pretty much non-existant in Korea.  We have a choice of two different types of crayons here.  One is more like oil pastels and you can usually get them in a 24 color pack.  The others are more wax like, such as we’d find in the US.  And they’re in twisty tubes.  So it’s like having a crayon in a pen container.  Yeah, I know that makes no sense.  I have a package right here in my desk at home, but my battery for my camera is on the other side of the room charging and there’s a kitten sleeping in my arms.  So, camera, ain’t gonna happen right now.

So I had to do it.  I bought a pack of Crayolas.  24 of those smelly wonderful American crayons.  I’m so printing off a bunch of coloring pages tomorrow at work.  My inner child is going to have a blast.