I’m really trying my best not to lose the last bit of sanity I appear to have.  I took my Korean co-worker’s advice and asked the doctor about the test results again.  He basically didn’t want to listen.  It’s his opinion that I probably just depressed.  However, he’s recommended that I go see an internist to have a more comprehensive set of blood work done.  I’m fine with that.  I don’t really care how much it costs (and I know it won’t be much).  I just want to feel better.

I had no way to convince this man that yes, I’m depressed with a little d.  My typical every day, that’s just how my life is.  I’m not Depressed with a big D.  This is not clinical depression.  I’ve had full blown, Major Depressive Disorder.  This is not the same thing.  I understand there may be some culture getting in the way.  But me sitting in his office crying does not equal Depression.  I’m physically exhausted.  I can’t do my job.  My hair is falling out and my nails just break off.  I’m cold.   I have no appetite and I eat enough to get by, yet I still gain weight.  I used to go to the gym and work out 4-5 days a week and yet I still gained weight.

The kicker was him suggesting as I was walking out that I’m homesick.  Please.  He didn’t believe me when I said I’m not.  And homesick is the last thing I am.  I’ve been in Ulsan 2.5 years.  This is my home.  My family only makes me crazy.  And given the prospects of getting a job back home, I don’t want to return to the madness any time soon.  And I really didn’t feel like explaining that to him.  I don’t think he could get it.  Maybe I’m underestimating him, but it’s just the gut feeling I have.

So the only thing to do is go see the internist.  That’s what I’ll do.  It may have to wait until winter break.  I don’t know if I can get one of the Korean teachers to go with me in the middle of the day.  Heck, I don’t really have time to go in the middle of the day.

I got the results from my thyroid panel.  They’re “normal”.  Note the quotes.  In the US, the normal range for TSH has been changed to .3-3 from the previous .5-5.   Korea appears to use the old values.  Now, if I were at home, I’d just argue with the doctors.  Point 1: I’m outside the new normal values (by quite a bit actually).  Point 2:  I have quite a few of the symptoms of hypothyroidism.  Point 3:  Whatever this is is starting to interfere with my life.

I don’t know why I’m so hesitant to ask the doctor here about it.  I’m afraid of coming off as a hypochondriac, I guess.  But I can’t deny how bad I feel, both physically and mentally.

I wonder how different things are with healthcare in terms of culture.  In the US, it definitely isn’t frowned on.  But there is  a lot about Korean culture I don’t know or understand.  I think my first step is going to be asking one of my Korean coworkers her opinion.  I trust H and we’re definitely good friends.  If necessary, she’s probably go to the doctor with me.  My doctor does speak pretty good English, but there are always communication difficulties.  They even crop up when both people speak the same language.

My goal is to just feel better.  I don’t think I can blame this all on depression.  There are just too many physical issues that can’t be explained away by brain chemistry wackiness.

Any suggestions?

I’ve really not felt well for quite a while.  Part of it is the depression and anxiety.  We all know how that can sap your energy.  But I really think there’s something more than that going on.  I know back home I’d have no qualms about asking the doctor to do a thyroid panel.  But over here…  well, I don’t know how that would be culturally accepted.  I guess it helps I do have a regular GP.  A lot of people use the various little health centers that are around town.  Me?  Too hit and miss for my taste.  My Korean isn’t good enough and sometimes the doctor’s English is pretty much non-existant.  As a side note, the majority of doctors speak at least a little English.  This is due to two reasons.  One, so many kids want to be doctors and their parents send them to language academies, like the one I teach at.  The other reason is that the vast majority of textbooks for medical schools are written in English.  Still, level of English competency varies greatly.  I’m luck to have found a pretty decent (if not a bit wishy-washy) with really good office hours.  So today I went in because I’m sick.  Again.  I work in a freaking germ factory.  And the parents insist on sending their kids to school sick.  I’ve had a cough for the last 3 weeks.  It’s mostly stayed in my large airways, so I wasn’t too concerned.  In the last few days, however, I could feel it moving down.  And I just knew I was on the verge of bronchitis.  Again.  For about the billionth time in the last 2.5 years.  So after shopping most of the afternoon, I went to the doctor.  Yay for Saturday afternoon/evening office hours.  He agreed that if I didn’t already have bronchitis, I was getting too close.  So he gave me a couple days of antibiotics and a handful of other pills.  Bronchodialators.  Cough supressants.  Pain pills.  Exepctorants.  I think that was it.  You can’t leave a doctor in Korea without a prescription for half the pharmacy.  However, before I left, I decided to bring up the possibility of hypothyroidism.  A lot of what’s been going on with me fits.  The depression, anxiety, fatigue.  And then there’s the dry skin, weight gain, migraines and a various host of other little issues.  Thankfully, he didn’t act like a jerk when I brought it up.  He told me once the bronchitis clears up, he’ll order the blood work and take it from there.  LOL.  He seemed more worried about the quality of my veins.  Thankfully, that’s something I’ve never had to worry about.  The techs always tell me I have nice veins.

So, we’ll see where it goes.  I had to ask to get the ball rolling.  And now I’m glad I did.

Have you ever found yourself obsessively listening to a song?  Why do I do this?  I was minding my own business listening to Martina McBride’s Greatest Hits album when Concrete Angel started playing.   I know this song gets to me.  I don’t know how it wouldn’t get to anyone, especially abuse surviors.  The story behind the song is heart breaking.  I think that’s what gets me the most.  Abuse by a drunken mother.  Nobody really trying to figure out what’s going on.  Hiding the pain.  And I realize that I could have ended up like the little girl in the story.

As I sit her typing this (and listening to the song for probably the 15th time) I’m crying.  I know in a way this is good.  I’m letting out the emotions I’ve been stuffing for so long.  But it hurts too.  I miss the days when I could just stuff it all.  I know it wasn’t healthy, but it worked.

Even though I made it out alive, the words “But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she’s loved…” still apply.  I won’t say that my dreams involved living in Asia.  But I dreamed of getting a good education and getting out of that hell hole.  And I did.  Sometime I think the “geographic cure” isn’t the best way to cope with my life.  But it’s working for me for the moment.  And maybe that’s all that really matters.

*sigh*

Maybe I should quit listening to this sound.  It’s getting a little OCD now.

Yeah.  So it’s been a while since I’ve managed to write anything.  Some stuff has happened.  I said goodbye to two good friends who finished their contract.  I wish them the best of luck.  The one year anniversary of my mother’s death.  That threw me for a loop.  I had a flood of emotions that I didn’t really know what to do with.  I never thought I’d actually miss her.  With all of the shit she pulled and the hell she put me through.  How the hell can I miss her?  I’ve kind of come to an acceptance of most of what happened growing up.  Life sucks.  I don’t mean for this to come across to other survivors to “buck up and shut up”.  God knows I’ve heard enough of that.  I don’t know how to describe it.  It still hurts like hell when I think about it.  But somehow it’s more detached.  Maybe it’s not such a good thing.  *sigh*  I don’t know what to think anymore.  I’m kinda scattered.  The kitties are doing well.  Ivory is almost a year and Gidgette is close to 6 months old now.  Both eat like there’s no tomorrow.  Work is busy.  We’re getting ready for presentations.  The kids are sick of their songs and scripts.  The teachers are doubly sick of them.  Oh well.  I guess that’s enough of an update for now.  I was trying to get some frustration out.  They’re doing some sort of construction work in the building across the street from me.  And it’s 10 o’clock at night.  *sigh*

Just a quick note to say I’m here and I’m alive.  Sort of.

I’ve got about half a dozen posts started, but I can’t seem to get words out.

I don’t do vacations well.  I always look forward to them, but then I wish I were back at work.  So I have two weeks off.  Next week everyone has off and this week only me.  I knew I’d go bat shit insane if I didn’t get some time away from the school.  And last week I was counting down the days until my vacation.  Today, while everyone else was at school, I was battling feelings of guilt.  I shouldn’t have taken the extra time off.  The usual week would have been ok.  I know this is dumb.  My classes are covered.  My bosses encouraged me to take the time off, and even wrote it into my contract.  But I still feel like crap.

I have stuff I need and want to do.  I need to CLEAN.  Yes, it’s that bad.  With two cats running around, there’s litter everywhere (not very fun to step on with wet feet).  I want to go see the new Harry Potter movie.  I need to go to the bank and pay bills.  I need to do some laundry.  I forgot to turn in my time sheet last week, so I need to go in and do that.  Plus I forgot my phrase book in my desk.  I have a feeling when I step foot in the school, I’m going to get yelled at.

Somehow, vacations make me more anxious.  It’s something about the whole me time thing.  I’m trying to talk some sense into my emotions, but they’re not cooperating.  After going hard for 2 plus years, it’s difficult to slow down.

I love it.  Or it could read, Lunchtime at school….

Actually, I’m a bit surprised she hasn’t killed me in the last two days.  I had her spayed yesterday.  She was not a happy camper when I brought her home.  She wasn’t a happy camper when I held her down to give her the medicine the vet prescribed. Ahhh, thankfully the vet mashes the pills into a fine powder that can be disolved in water.  No craziness of trying to give the cat a pill.  She wasn’t happy when I woke her up early this morning for her next dose.  And she definitely wasn’t happy when I stuffed her back in her carrier to take her to the vet to have the incision checked.

So yeah.  Minor miracle I haven’t been killed of maimed.

…No, really, I do.

But there are points where I want to kill every last one of my coworkers, all the students and every mother in the city.  Oh yeah, the fathers too if they get in the way.

Why, you ask?  I’m borderline (heh, that too) exhausted.  I’ve been living in migraine city for the last couple weeks.  People are acting beyond crazy at school.  We have an open house coming up and everyone, including the students, is stressed out.  I have a student who is about 6 and I asked her if she was OK today.  I asked if she was sad or tired or angry.  H just answered “No teacher”.  I finally asked if she was worried about something.  She nodded and looked down at some of the open house material that she had to learn.  So I said “H, are you worried about open house?” and she just nodded.  I mean seriously, it can’t be healthy for a 6 year old to be that stressed out about school.

And to make things more fun, I have one of two extremely annoying songs going through my head almost constantly.  There’s “Telly’s Lunch” and “The Butterfly Song“.  I want to shoot myself in the head every time I press play on my mp3 player.

Open house is coming up in about 2 weeks.  And the kids literally have like 6 pages of material plus two songs to learn before then.  No wonder poor little H is stressed out of her mind.  I’d be stressed too.  The youngest kids are barely 4.  Sometimes I think the educational system in this country is nuts.  Not that the US system is any better.

I’m so tired because I haven’t been sleeping.  I’m so tired, I can’t sleep.  I just lay on the bed curled up in a fetal position and rock back and forth.  It’s the burning eye, sore muscle, stomachache kind of exhaustion.  Banging my head on the desk would probably be a blessed relief, but I’m not going to do that.  I know cutting would bring a whole lot of, albeit temporary, relief.  But I’m not going to do that.  It won’t solve any problems.  Honestly, because it’s getting to be warm, it would cause a whole lot of extra problems.  So yeah, I’m not going to go down that road.

I’m also trying to get stuff for portfolios ready.  Even though we have about 6 weeks to do them, I feel like I’m really behind.  Approximately 10 pieces of work to do and grade * 9 classes * approximately 13 students/class + report cards for all those kids + an additional class worth of report cards.  Yeah.  You can see why 6 weeks doesn’t seem all that long.

I also had to make up packets of work for 4 different classes today.  I have at least 1 more packet to put together in the next week or so.  I haven’t had a proper lunch all week.  I’ve basically been working 9-6 straight through.

Yes, I’m an idiot.  But if I didn’t get it all done, I’d stress even more.  And I’d get less sleep.  And I’d eat even less.  Yeah, I’m not doing so great on the eating front.  I don’t even want to look at food.  And the gym?  Ha! I need to renew my monthly membership.  I haven’t gone in almost 3 weeks.  Two weeks ago I was sick.  Last week, I tripped over my two big, left feet as I was getting ready and twisted the living crap out of my weaker ankle.

I need a vacation.  Big time.  So many national holidays have falled on the weekend this year.  And if the holiday is on the weekend, we don’t get any days off.  It’s not like back home where you’d get the Monday following off.

I’m tired.  I’m anxious.  I’m depressed.  I’m in pain.  That pretty much sums it up.

*sigh*