I Think It’s a Good Thing

Posted On Nov 28, 2009

Filed under Mental Health, Positive things

Comments Dropped one response

I’ve really not felt well for quite a while.  Part of it is the depression and anxiety.  We all know how that can sap your energy.  But I really think there’s something more than that going on.  I know back home I’d have no qualms about asking the doctor to do a thyroid panel.  But over here…  well, I don’t know how that would be culturally accepted.  I guess it helps I do have a regular GP.  A lot of people use the various little health centers that are around town.  Me?  Too hit and miss for my taste.  My Korean isn’t good enough and sometimes the doctor’s English is pretty much non-existant.  As a side note, the majority of doctors speak at least a little English.  This is due to two reasons.  One, so many kids want to be doctors and their parents send them to language academies, like the one I teach at.  The other reason is that the vast majority of textbooks for medical schools are written in English.  Still, level of English competency varies greatly.  I’m luck to have found a pretty decent (if not a bit wishy-washy) with really good office hours.  So today I went in because I’m sick.  Again.  I work in a freaking germ factory.  And the parents insist on sending their kids to school sick.  I’ve had a cough for the last 3 weeks.  It’s mostly stayed in my large airways, so I wasn’t too concerned.  In the last few days, however, I could feel it moving down.  And I just knew I was on the verge of bronchitis.  Again.  For about the billionth time in the last 2.5 years.  So after shopping most of the afternoon, I went to the doctor.  Yay for Saturday afternoon/evening office hours.  He agreed that if I didn’t already have bronchitis, I was getting too close.  So he gave me a couple days of antibiotics and a handful of other pills.  Bronchodialators.  Cough supressants.  Pain pills.  Exepctorants.  I think that was it.  You can’t leave a doctor in Korea without a prescription for half the pharmacy.  However, before I left, I decided to bring up the possibility of hypothyroidism.  A lot of what’s been going on with me fits.  The depression, anxiety, fatigue.  And then there’s the dry skin, weight gain, migraines and a various host of other little issues.  Thankfully, he didn’t act like a jerk when I brought it up.  He told me once the bronchitis clears up, he’ll order the blood work and take it from there.  LOL.  He seemed more worried about the quality of my veins.  Thankfully, that’s something I’ve never had to worry about.  The techs always tell me I have nice veins.

So, we’ll see where it goes.  I had to ask to get the ball rolling.  And now I’m glad I did.

Vacation

Posted On Jul 20, 2009

Filed under Anxiety, Emotions, Mental Health, Work

Comments Dropped 5 responses

I don’t do vacations well.  I always look forward to them, but then I wish I were back at work.  So I have two weeks off.  Next week everyone has off and this week only me.  I knew I’d go bat shit insane if I didn’t get some time away from the school.  And last week I was counting down the days until my vacation.  Today, while everyone else was at school, I was battling feelings of guilt.  I shouldn’t have taken the extra time off.  The usual week would have been ok.  I know this is dumb.  My classes are covered.  My bosses encouraged me to take the time off, and even wrote it into my contract.  But I still feel like crap.

I have stuff I need and want to do.  I need to CLEAN.  Yes, it’s that bad.  With two cats running around, there’s litter everywhere (not very fun to step on with wet feet).  I want to go see the new Harry Potter movie.  I need to go to the bank and pay bills.  I need to do some laundry.  I forgot to turn in my time sheet last week, so I need to go in and do that.  Plus I forgot my phrase book in my desk.  I have a feeling when I step foot in the school, I’m going to get yelled at.

Somehow, vacations make me more anxious.  It’s something about the whole me time thing.  I’m trying to talk some sense into my emotions, but they’re not cooperating.  After going hard for 2 plus years, it’s difficult to slow down.

Self Worth

So I’ve been thinking about self worth the last week or so.  I think I shocked a coworker when I said something to the effect of “But am I worth it?”.

Let me backtrack and explain things…  I’ve started going to the gym.  There’s a full service gym literally catty-corner from my apartment.  I had to get over the “I’m so fat and people are going to point and laugh” feelings.  Not that kids on the streets here don’t point and laugh…  sadly many parents don’t bat an eye at this behavior.  And I’m not just talking little kids, I’m talking older kids and teenagers.  But that’s beside the point.  I’ve started going to the gym.  Yay for me.  For the most part the trainers there leave me alone to walk on the treadmill.  Two of my coworkers also go.  They’re my motivation right now.  They’ve threatened (semi-jokingly) to drag me by my toes if I don’t go on my own accord.

At first I was planning on paying by the day (about $5.50) because my plan was to go three times a week.  N and D (my coworkes) had other ideas for me.  I’m going to go daily.  I did pretty good last week.  I went four out of five days.  I missed Tuesday because we had a work event to attend.  So at 7000 Won a day, that was going to get expensive pretty fast.  I opted to get a montly membership (about $70).   If I can keep it up, I’ll get a three month membership when my month is up.

That’s the back story.  I said something at work like “I hope it’s worth it.”.  A coworker (Nor) said “Of course it is!  It’s an investment in you!”.  Which I replied.  I hope I’m worth it.  Not only did this shock her, it seemed to offend her.  I haven’t told her about my past.  In fact, I’ve only told N very small bits about my past.  So I can see how Nor doesn’t understand why I’d say something like that.

Anywho, I have to keep reminding myself that I am worth that money.

Sadness

It hit me hard last night.  I’ve never actually felt sad before when thinking about my past.  I know this is probably a good thing.  It feels pretty bad.  And it kind of scared me.  But deep down inside, I realize it’s a new step in healing.

My biggest problem now is fighting the urge to push it all down.  I’m so used to doing that with emotions, that it’s an instant reaction.

I don’t want to be like that.  I want to be able to feel my emotions.  I don’t want to be so overwhelmed that I shut down.  I know it’s going to take a while.  It’s not something that will happen overnight.  It will also take work.

I’m going to take it in baby steps, much like the shower.  Maybe it’s ok to feel them a few seconds at a time and work my way up to where I can tolerate longer periods of time.

The other thing I’m not going to do is beat myself up for feeeling overwhlemed by my feelings and stuffing them.  It’s not a crime, and nothing bad will happen.  Yes, nothing bad will happen despite what I was told growing up.

Maybe it will work, maybe it won’t.  Maybe I’m destined to live my life as an emotionless robot.  Maybe that’s okay. However it turns out, I’ll know that I did try.  And maybe the trying is what’s really important.

All linked together

Ugh ugh ugh.

I feel like shit.  Allergies are kicking my ass.  Thus, I haven’t slept well.  Lack of sleep tends to exacerbate my depression.  And the days are getting way shorter.  Yay for SAD.  Depression saps me of motivation to cook, so I’m eating junk.  Eating junk craps out my immune system making it less likely I’ll fight off whatever germs the kids are carrying.

*SIGH*

I have no idea why I’m posting this.  Just needed to let off steam I guess.

International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women

Posted On Nov 25, 2007

Filed under Child Abuse, Mental Health

Comments Dropped 5 responses

It’s today, November 25th.

Not a minute more

I hope we never forget those who have suffered at the hands of others.