The Next Step
I’m really trying my best not to lose the last bit of sanity I appear to have. I took my Korean co-worker’s advice and asked the doctor about the test results again. He basically didn’t want to listen. It’s his opinion that I probably just depressed. However, he’s recommended that I go see an internist to have a more comprehensive set of blood work done. I’m fine with that. I don’t really care how much it costs (and I know it won’t be much). I just want to feel better.
I had no way to convince this man that yes, I’m depressed with a little d. My typical every day, that’s just how my life is. I’m not Depressed with a big D. This is not clinical depression. I’ve had full blown, Major Depressive Disorder. This is not the same thing. I understand there may be some culture getting in the way. But me sitting in his office crying does not equal Depression. I’m physically exhausted. I can’t do my job. My hair is falling out and my nails just break off. I’m cold. I have no appetite and I eat enough to get by, yet I still gain weight. I used to go to the gym and work out 4-5 days a week and yet I still gained weight.
The kicker was him suggesting as I was walking out that I’m homesick. Please. He didn’t believe me when I said I’m not. And homesick is the last thing I am. I’ve been in Ulsan 2.5 years. This is my home. My family only makes me crazy. And given the prospects of getting a job back home, I don’t want to return to the madness any time soon. And I really didn’t feel like explaining that to him. I don’t think he could get it. Maybe I’m underestimating him, but it’s just the gut feeling I have.
So the only thing to do is go see the internist. That’s what I’ll do. It may have to wait until winter break. I don’t know if I can get one of the Korean teachers to go with me in the middle of the day. Heck, I don’t really have time to go in the middle of the day.
Music
Have you ever found yourself obsessively listening to a song? Why do I do this? I was minding my own business listening to Martina McBride’s Greatest Hits album when Concrete Angel started playing. I know this song gets to me. I don’t know how it wouldn’t get to anyone, especially abuse surviors. The story behind the song is heart breaking. I think that’s what gets me the most. Abuse by a drunken mother. Nobody really trying to figure out what’s going on. Hiding the pain. And I realize that I could have ended up like the little girl in the story.
As I sit her typing this (and listening to the song for probably the 15th time) I’m crying. I know in a way this is good. I’m letting out the emotions I’ve been stuffing for so long. But it hurts too. I miss the days when I could just stuff it all. I know it wasn’t healthy, but it worked.
Even though I made it out alive, the words “But her dreams give her wings and she flies to a place where she’s loved…” still apply. I won’t say that my dreams involved living in Asia. But I dreamed of getting a good education and getting out of that hell hole. And I did. Sometime I think the “geographic cure” isn’t the best way to cope with my life. But it’s working for me for the moment. And maybe that’s all that really matters.
*sigh*
Maybe I should quit listening to this sound. It’s getting a little OCD now.
Bunch O’ Stuff
Yeah. So it’s been a while since I’ve managed to write anything. Some stuff has happened. I said goodbye to two good friends who finished their contract. I wish them the best of luck. The one year anniversary of my mother’s death. That threw me for a loop. I had a flood of emotions that I didn’t really know what to do with. I never thought I’d actually miss her. With all of the shit she pulled and the hell she put me through. How the hell can I miss her? I’ve kind of come to an acceptance of most of what happened growing up. Life sucks. I don’t mean for this to come across to other survivors to “buck up and shut up”. God knows I’ve heard enough of that. I don’t know how to describe it. It still hurts like hell when I think about it. But somehow it’s more detached. Maybe it’s not such a good thing. *sigh* I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m kinda scattered. The kitties are doing well. Ivory is almost a year and Gidgette is close to 6 months old now. Both eat like there’s no tomorrow. Work is busy. We’re getting ready for presentations. The kids are sick of their songs and scripts. The teachers are doubly sick of them. Oh well. I guess that’s enough of an update for now. I was trying to get some frustration out. They’re doing some sort of construction work in the building across the street from me. And it’s 10 o’clock at night. *sigh*
Vacation
I don’t do vacations well. I always look forward to them, but then I wish I were back at work. So I have two weeks off. Next week everyone has off and this week only me. I knew I’d go bat shit insane if I didn’t get some time away from the school. And last week I was counting down the days until my vacation. Today, while everyone else was at school, I was battling feelings of guilt. I shouldn’t have taken the extra time off. The usual week would have been ok. I know this is dumb. My classes are covered. My bosses encouraged me to take the time off, and even wrote it into my contract. But I still feel like crap.
I have stuff I need and want to do. I need to CLEAN. Yes, it’s that bad. With two cats running around, there’s litter everywhere (not very fun to step on with wet feet). I want to go see the new Harry Potter movie. I need to go to the bank and pay bills. I need to do some laundry. I forgot to turn in my time sheet last week, so I need to go in and do that. Plus I forgot my phrase book in my desk. I have a feeling when I step foot in the school, I’m going to get yelled at.
Somehow, vacations make me more anxious. It’s something about the whole me time thing. I’m trying to talk some sense into my emotions, but they’re not cooperating. After going hard for 2 plus years, it’s difficult to slow down.
I Love My Job…
Jun 3, 2009
Filed under Anxiety, Depression, Emotions, Migraines, Self Injury, Sleep, Venting, Work
…No, really, I do.
But there are points where I want to kill every last one of my coworkers, all the students and every mother in the city. Oh yeah, the fathers too if they get in the way.
Why, you ask? I’m borderline (heh, that too) exhausted. I’ve been living in migraine city for the last couple weeks. People are acting beyond crazy at school. We have an open house coming up and everyone, including the students, is stressed out. I have a student who is about 6 and I asked her if she was OK today. I asked if she was sad or tired or angry. H just answered “No teacher”. I finally asked if she was worried about something. She nodded and looked down at some of the open house material that she had to learn. So I said “H, are you worried about open house?” and she just nodded. I mean seriously, it can’t be healthy for a 6 year old to be that stressed out about school.
And to make things more fun, I have one of two extremely annoying songs going through my head almost constantly. There’s “Telly’s Lunch” and “The Butterfly Song“. I want to shoot myself in the head every time I press play on my mp3 player.
Open house is coming up in about 2 weeks. And the kids literally have like 6 pages of material plus two songs to learn before then. No wonder poor little H is stressed out of her mind. I’d be stressed too. The youngest kids are barely 4. Sometimes I think the educational system in this country is nuts. Not that the US system is any better.
I’m so tired because I haven’t been sleeping. I’m so tired, I can’t sleep. I just lay on the bed curled up in a fetal position and rock back and forth. It’s the burning eye, sore muscle, stomachache kind of exhaustion. Banging my head on the desk would probably be a blessed relief, but I’m not going to do that. I know cutting would bring a whole lot of, albeit temporary, relief. But I’m not going to do that. It won’t solve any problems. Honestly, because it’s getting to be warm, it would cause a whole lot of extra problems. So yeah, I’m not going to go down that road.
I’m also trying to get stuff for portfolios ready. Even though we have about 6 weeks to do them, I feel like I’m really behind. Approximately 10 pieces of work to do and grade * 9 classes * approximately 13 students/class + report cards for all those kids + an additional class worth of report cards. Yeah. You can see why 6 weeks doesn’t seem all that long.
I also had to make up packets of work for 4 different classes today. I have at least 1 more packet to put together in the next week or so. I haven’t had a proper lunch all week. I’ve basically been working 9-6 straight through.
Yes, I’m an idiot. But if I didn’t get it all done, I’d stress even more. And I’d get less sleep. And I’d eat even less. Yeah, I’m not doing so great on the eating front. I don’t even want to look at food. And the gym? Ha! I need to renew my monthly membership. I haven’t gone in almost 3 weeks. Two weeks ago I was sick. Last week, I tripped over my two big, left feet as I was getting ready and twisted the living crap out of my weaker ankle.
I need a vacation. Big time. So many national holidays have falled on the weekend this year. And if the holiday is on the weekend, we don’t get any days off. It’s not like back home where you’d get the Monday following off.
I’m tired. I’m anxious. I’m depressed. I’m in pain. That pretty much sums it up.
*sigh*
Self Worth
May 3, 2009
Filed under Child Abuse, Emotions, Friends, Inner Child, Mental Health, Questions, Randomness, Relationships
So I’ve been thinking about self worth the last week or so. I think I shocked a coworker when I said something to the effect of “But am I worth it?”.
Let me backtrack and explain things… I’ve started going to the gym. There’s a full service gym literally catty-corner from my apartment. I had to get over the “I’m so fat and people are going to point and laugh” feelings. Not that kids on the streets here don’t point and laugh… sadly many parents don’t bat an eye at this behavior. And I’m not just talking little kids, I’m talking older kids and teenagers. But that’s beside the point. I’ve started going to the gym. Yay for me. For the most part the trainers there leave me alone to walk on the treadmill. Two of my coworkers also go. They’re my motivation right now. They’ve threatened (semi-jokingly) to drag me by my toes if I don’t go on my own accord.
At first I was planning on paying by the day (about $5.50) because my plan was to go three times a week. N and D (my coworkes) had other ideas for me. I’m going to go daily. I did pretty good last week. I went four out of five days. I missed Tuesday because we had a work event to attend. So at 7000 Won a day, that was going to get expensive pretty fast. I opted to get a montly membership (about $70). If I can keep it up, I’ll get a three month membership when my month is up.
That’s the back story. I said something at work like “I hope it’s worth it.”. A coworker (Nor) said “Of course it is! It’s an investment in you!”. Which I replied. I hope I’m worth it. Not only did this shock her, it seemed to offend her. I haven’t told her about my past. In fact, I’ve only told N very small bits about my past. So I can see how Nor doesn’t understand why I’d say something like that.
Anywho, I have to keep reminding myself that I am worth that money.
Sadness
Mar 29, 2009
Filed under Anxiety, Child Abuse, Depression, Emotions, Fears, Mental Health, PTSD
It hit me hard last night. I’ve never actually felt sad before when thinking about my past. I know this is probably a good thing. It feels pretty bad. And it kind of scared me. But deep down inside, I realize it’s a new step in healing.
My biggest problem now is fighting the urge to push it all down. I’m so used to doing that with emotions, that it’s an instant reaction.
I don’t want to be like that. I want to be able to feel my emotions. I don’t want to be so overwhelmed that I shut down. I know it’s going to take a while. It’s not something that will happen overnight. It will also take work.
I’m going to take it in baby steps, much like the shower. Maybe it’s ok to feel them a few seconds at a time and work my way up to where I can tolerate longer periods of time.
The other thing I’m not going to do is beat myself up for feeeling overwhlemed by my feelings and stuffing them. It’s not a crime, and nothing bad will happen. Yes, nothing bad will happen despite what I was told growing up.
Maybe it will work, maybe it won’t. Maybe I’m destined to live my life as an emotionless robot. Maybe that’s okay. However it turns out, I’ll know that I did try. And maybe the trying is what’s really important.
I'm just your typical depressed donkey. I happen to teach English to small and not so small Korean children. I really do love my job even though I might complain a bit.
