The Next Step
I’m really trying my best not to lose the last bit of sanity I appear to have. I took my Korean co-worker’s advice and asked the doctor about the test results again. He basically didn’t want to listen. It’s his opinion that I probably just depressed. However, he’s recommended that I go see an internist to have a more comprehensive set of blood work done. I’m fine with that. I don’t really care how much it costs (and I know it won’t be much). I just want to feel better.
I had no way to convince this man that yes, I’m depressed with a little d. My typical every day, that’s just how my life is. I’m not Depressed with a big D. This is not clinical depression. I’ve had full blown, Major Depressive Disorder. This is not the same thing. I understand there may be some culture getting in the way. But me sitting in his office crying does not equal Depression. I’m physically exhausted. I can’t do my job. My hair is falling out and my nails just break off. I’m cold. I have no appetite and I eat enough to get by, yet I still gain weight. I used to go to the gym and work out 4-5 days a week and yet I still gained weight.
The kicker was him suggesting as I was walking out that I’m homesick. Please. He didn’t believe me when I said I’m not. And homesick is the last thing I am. I’ve been in Ulsan 2.5 years. This is my home. My family only makes me crazy. And given the prospects of getting a job back home, I don’t want to return to the madness any time soon. And I really didn’t feel like explaining that to him. I don’t think he could get it. Maybe I’m underestimating him, but it’s just the gut feeling I have.
So the only thing to do is go see the internist. That’s what I’ll do. It may have to wait until winter break. I don’t know if I can get one of the Korean teachers to go with me in the middle of the day. Heck, I don’t really have time to go in the middle of the day.
Now What?
Dec 5, 2009 
I got the results from my thyroid panel. They’re “normal”. Note the quotes. In the US, the normal range for TSH has been changed to .3-3 from the previous .5-5. Korea appears to use the old values. Now, if I were at home, I’d just argue with the doctors. Point 1: I’m outside the new normal values (by quite a bit actually). Point 2: I have quite a few of the symptoms of hypothyroidism. Point 3: Whatever this is is starting to interfere with my life.
I don’t know why I’m so hesitant to ask the doctor here about it. I’m afraid of coming off as a hypochondriac, I guess. But I can’t deny how bad I feel, both physically and mentally.
I wonder how different things are with healthcare in terms of culture. In the US, it definitely isn’t frowned on. But there is a lot about Korean culture I don’t know or understand. I think my first step is going to be asking one of my Korean coworkers her opinion. I trust H and we’re definitely good friends. If necessary, she’s probably go to the doctor with me. My doctor does speak pretty good English, but there are always communication difficulties. They even crop up when both people speak the same language.
My goal is to just feel better. I don’t think I can blame this all on depression. There are just too many physical issues that can’t be explained away by brain chemistry wackiness.
Any suggestions?
I Love My Job…
Jun 3, 2009
Filed under Anxiety, Depression, Emotions, Migraines, Self Injury, Sleep, Venting, Work
…No, really, I do.
But there are points where I want to kill every last one of my coworkers, all the students and every mother in the city. Oh yeah, the fathers too if they get in the way.
Why, you ask? I’m borderline (heh, that too) exhausted. I’ve been living in migraine city for the last couple weeks. People are acting beyond crazy at school. We have an open house coming up and everyone, including the students, is stressed out. I have a student who is about 6 and I asked her if she was OK today. I asked if she was sad or tired or angry. H just answered “No teacher”. I finally asked if she was worried about something. She nodded and looked down at some of the open house material that she had to learn. So I said “H, are you worried about open house?” and she just nodded. I mean seriously, it can’t be healthy for a 6 year old to be that stressed out about school.
And to make things more fun, I have one of two extremely annoying songs going through my head almost constantly. There’s “Telly’s Lunch” and “The Butterfly Song“. I want to shoot myself in the head every time I press play on my mp3 player.
Open house is coming up in about 2 weeks. And the kids literally have like 6 pages of material plus two songs to learn before then. No wonder poor little H is stressed out of her mind. I’d be stressed too. The youngest kids are barely 4. Sometimes I think the educational system in this country is nuts. Not that the US system is any better.
I’m so tired because I haven’t been sleeping. I’m so tired, I can’t sleep. I just lay on the bed curled up in a fetal position and rock back and forth. It’s the burning eye, sore muscle, stomachache kind of exhaustion. Banging my head on the desk would probably be a blessed relief, but I’m not going to do that. I know cutting would bring a whole lot of, albeit temporary, relief. But I’m not going to do that. It won’t solve any problems. Honestly, because it’s getting to be warm, it would cause a whole lot of extra problems. So yeah, I’m not going to go down that road.
I’m also trying to get stuff for portfolios ready. Even though we have about 6 weeks to do them, I feel like I’m really behind. Approximately 10 pieces of work to do and grade * 9 classes * approximately 13 students/class + report cards for all those kids + an additional class worth of report cards. Yeah. You can see why 6 weeks doesn’t seem all that long.
I also had to make up packets of work for 4 different classes today. I have at least 1 more packet to put together in the next week or so. I haven’t had a proper lunch all week. I’ve basically been working 9-6 straight through.
Yes, I’m an idiot. But if I didn’t get it all done, I’d stress even more. And I’d get less sleep. And I’d eat even less. Yeah, I’m not doing so great on the eating front. I don’t even want to look at food. And the gym? Ha! I need to renew my monthly membership. I haven’t gone in almost 3 weeks. Two weeks ago I was sick. Last week, I tripped over my two big, left feet as I was getting ready and twisted the living crap out of my weaker ankle.
I need a vacation. Big time. So many national holidays have falled on the weekend this year. And if the holiday is on the weekend, we don’t get any days off. It’s not like back home where you’d get the Monday following off.
I’m tired. I’m anxious. I’m depressed. I’m in pain. That pretty much sums it up.
*sigh*
Sadness
Mar 29, 2009
Filed under Anxiety, Child Abuse, Depression, Emotions, Fears, Mental Health, PTSD
It hit me hard last night. I’ve never actually felt sad before when thinking about my past. I know this is probably a good thing. It feels pretty bad. And it kind of scared me. But deep down inside, I realize it’s a new step in healing.
My biggest problem now is fighting the urge to push it all down. I’m so used to doing that with emotions, that it’s an instant reaction.
I don’t want to be like that. I want to be able to feel my emotions. I don’t want to be so overwhelmed that I shut down. I know it’s going to take a while. It’s not something that will happen overnight. It will also take work.
I’m going to take it in baby steps, much like the shower. Maybe it’s ok to feel them a few seconds at a time and work my way up to where I can tolerate longer periods of time.
The other thing I’m not going to do is beat myself up for feeeling overwhlemed by my feelings and stuffing them. It’s not a crime, and nothing bad will happen. Yes, nothing bad will happen despite what I was told growing up.
Maybe it will work, maybe it won’t. Maybe I’m destined to live my life as an emotionless robot. Maybe that’s okay. However it turns out, I’ll know that I did try. And maybe the trying is what’s really important.
Stuff
Been busy. Been depressed. Been not inspired. Been uninterested. Been an insomniac. Been thinking about cutting.
Just a quick note to let everyone know I’m alive because I’ve gotten several worried emails from readers.
Random Post
Tired.
Depressed.
Anxious.
Sleep deprived.
Frustrated.
Fed up.
Angry.
Jealous.
Crappy.
Stupid.
—
Sorry, just trying to figure out what I feel right now… Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.
Why Does It Bother Me So?
I sit around at work and I see the kids running around. It really bothers me that I can’t remember being a kid. I know there are reasons for my lack of memory of childhood. But the lack of memory bothers me. I remember the names of all of my elementary school teachers, but I don’t remember much about going to school.
In a way, I feel like I don’t understand my students. I don’t understand what it means to be a kid. I don’t understand how it’s so hard for them to sit still. Maybe understand isn’t the right word. I do understand on an intellectual level why kids are kids and why they behave the way they do. But I can’t seem to apply it on a personal level. I just don’t remember.
It’s frustrating. I think it keeps me from being the best teacher I can be. And of course, I’m such a perfectionist, that bothers me all the more.
Does this make me a bad person? I keep coming back to this question. It’s a dumb question. I know intellectually that I’m not a bad person. I haven’t killed anyone, although I have one or two students that are getting close. I don’t try to hurt people on purpose. But it was so ingrained in me that I am a horrible person that it’s hard for me to see that I’m not.
Part of me hurts really bad. I wish I could understand childhood on more than an intellectual level. I wish I could understand the emotional part of it. I wish I could understand the freedom. I wish I could understand the trust. I feel like I’ve lost so much. I wonder who I would be today if I had a different past.
I should be grateful I’m alive. Many children in my circumstances don’t get out alive. All in all, my mind is fairly intact. I can function in society, for the most part. I have my quirks, but then again, so do most people.
*sigh*
Another rambling, incomprehensible post…
I'm just your typical depressed donkey. I happen to teach English to small and not so small Korean children. I really do love my job even though I might complain a bit.
