About Me

Who am I?

I have no clue… but when I figure it out, I’ll be sure to let you know.

Seriously. I’ve neglected my “About” page way too long. So I’m trying to make up for it. And I’d post a picture, but I don’t want to scare any of my readers.

Well. My name is Kathryn. I’m 29 and have been for the last couple of years. I hate birthdays and refuse to acknowledge them. I’m the oldest of three children. My brothers are 21 and 26. I grew up in NE Ohio. I went to college in Youngstown, Ohio where I earned a BS in Psychology and Comprehensive Sciences. I then went to graduate school in Austin, Texas where I earned a MA in Developmental Psychology. My research interests were primarily infant visual perception and cognition. I was also interested in information processing in children with developmental disabilities such as Autism and ADHD. I was physically, sexually and emotionally abused by various members of my family for many years. My first memories of the abuse date back to about age three, but I’m sure it started much earlier than that. The physical and sexual abuse stopped when I left for college at age 18. The emotional abuse lasted much longer.

I spent a year teaching English in South Korea and I moved back to take another ESL teaching job. My students are my pride and joy. It’s been a long time since I left my first school, but I still think about them everyday and wonder how they are doing. I now have a new group of kids to get to know.

I’ve played the flute since the fifth grade and I love classical music, especially from the Baroque Era. I’m a huge country music fan with my favorite groups being Lone Star, Rascal Flatts and Sugar Land.

I like writing poetry and working with soft pastels.

I’ve recently started to enjoy cooking. I’m always on the lookout for new recipes and tweaking existing ones.

I’m passionate about technology. I’m active in the BOINC community as a forum moderator, alpha tester, help desk worker, bug manager and wiki writer. I’ve done some work for just about every BOINC powered project out there. I especially like helping new projects get started.

That’s about all I can think of for the moment… I’m really not a very interesting person.

31 thoughts on “About Me

  1. Monique says:

    Kat,

    Hi. I saw your post, and it was so amazing; it was like, my heart’s song incarnate, all at once my pain reognized by another human being. It was hard or me to come to terms with my physical/emotional/ sexual-undertoned abuse growing. I wasn’t abused with hot pokers or starved; I did go on vacations and got toys at Christmas…but, there was the abuse from a very young age (4) to my late teens. It made me feel really guilty that I had nice things, and so becaue of that, I felt the abuse I greatly suffered was unfounded. It made me fell really weak, suicidally depressed, and confused because I wasnot sure if the abuse I suffered was “abuse” abuse. But because of the way I was hurt (and my sibling was not), I cannot help but see the differences. I am an adult and I desperatly need this child-like approval with everything, my heart beats out of my chest when people raise their voice at me or are mean to me, I trust no one and push people (especially the ones I want to love) away, I can’t stop the tears from falling when I recall my childhood pains, and when I visit my parent’s again, I can’t wait to leave the second I’m there and I get nervous. I guess, judging by all these things and based on the fact my sister excells and I’m a diminshed, nervous, scared, overly sensitive mess; you helped me realize that it is ok for me to acknowledge my hurt, and not let me play it down. I wanted to say thank you for sharing your pain with us (which I am so sorry you were forced to bear), you are a very brave, selfless, wonderfully verbal girl; I hope you may find closure, if not soon, then hopefully in your lifetime you may find that grace. I was raised Catholic, and although I disagree with some of it now, I have always had God, and that has comfored me tremendously. Thank You.

    ~Monique~

  2. Thank you Monique.

    It’s my feeling that abuse is abuse is abuse. The damage it does…. it’s lasting. It will never go away. We can deal with it. But it’s always there. Yes, it gets less salient. But we had things stolen from us that shouldn’t have been.

    I wish you all the peace and happiness in the world.

    ~Kathryn

  3. Ozan Öz says:

    Wauw..

    I was actually come to ask you your font style as if it is verdana or not.. Becasue I am trying to use that to but cannot manage it….

    But after all, after reading your post I begin thinking to take more serious things into consideration :) (for my life..)

    I am a Turk. Living in Turkey.. It is really strange for us to speak about yourself this clearly. So, I am surprised..I am confused actually considering this way as a brave or as an unethical way according to my ethic.. In our country, we don’t talk about our families, or about our pasts this clearly. Specially if there are some things that are not very kindly.. I think in my country a girl in your situation (by the way do u mean rape by abuse.. I couldn’t be sure) could not tell this to anyone.

    Anyway.. I hope Allah (God) will help you in any way. I will read your posts soon. And sory for my English :) I can’t practice it all the time.. Kindly regards..

  4. Ozan Öz says:

    A correction:

    I made the previous comment without exploring the blog too much.. So I remove my comment about that.. Since the things you lived are stateless.. Understanding is not hard or weird any more..

    If u excuse me, I am wondering your relation with God. Because at hard times people mostly -normally- turn to God. Are you a Christian? A religious one, or what? May I ask u if u don’t mind..

  5. Ozan…

    I understand that different cultures deal with family issues differently. Even here in the US, many survivors of abuse DO NOT talk about their experiences. The reasons are many. Shame and fear often top the list. I’m trying to break that. I want to help others break the cycle of abuse by showing that it’s ok to talk about it.

    By abuse… it was physical, emotional and sexual abuse. I was raped by a boyfriend when I was a teenager.

    I was raised Catholic and still practice it. I don’t necessarily agree with all of the tenets of the church (especially on things like birth control), but it is my faith.

    I’ve turned to God and I’ve turned away from Him. I do try to live a good Christian life though.

  6. Ozan Öz says:

    I corrected that.. Because if there is such a thing (I couldn’t understand your situation first, sory for my English again). So in this time, there can be no shame, no fear.. it shouldn’t be..

    What I may argue can be something religious. Because, only the fear of Allah (God) has sometimes the power to stop the mankind. I don’t know what you know about Islam except CNN news.. But, in Islam you are responsible of not only yourself, but of your family, of your neighbours and of the people around you.

    I read one of your posts about your boy friend and you.. here: http://dark2light.wordpress.com/2007/01/15/relationships/

    I believe such a thing can never happen in Turkey for instance. Altough you may think in other way due to the media orientation, it’s true. Woman has a special place in our religion and in our social life respectively. A man can never do such a thing because of his own selfish reasons, and even on a street, outside..

    If a man tries to elbow a woman outside, at the end he will be elbowed by the people seeing them. I, personally would do that too.. Because Allah created woman in a special way. Weak, hpwever this doesn’t give the man the availibility of abusing a woman, but gives the responsibility to protect her from everything. To abuse a woman is a breach of trust in Allah’s view in our religion. That’s way I have to admit that, I become really sad while reading your posts. And angry a little bit too..

    At this point, I think this difference is caused by the difference of two religions. May be, you should have a -safe- search about Islam. May Allah has choosen you the way to find the truth this way. His decisions are not questionable. There is always a -more- holly meaning/purpose in everything, even in the one that seems the worst in the first step/look.

    Take care of yourself…

  7. kprsjohn says:

    Hi Katm

    we were wondering how you were, haven’t seen a post lately and no comments so we just wanted to check and see if you are okay and if we can help in any way. if we can help please contact us and we will get back to you asap

    peace and blessings

    keepers

  8. i hate birthdays myself! that’s why outside of the family, nobody knows my birthday. i learnt piano; some baroque pieces are quite nice, but i generally prefer the romance period (love chopin!).

  9. Katherine says:

    I just came by your site today and all I can say is I feel your pain. I can relate with so many things that you have been through. My own battle with life is a constant struggle. The fear, confusion, guilt, anxiety, suicidal thoughts never leave me. I punish myself by continuing to exist in a world I hate. I have no one in my life that I care about and one one that cares about me. Thanks for listening.

  10. Thanks for stopping by Katherine.

    I understand everything you’ve written. The way our lives have been changed… it’s just not fair.

    I wish you peace.

  11. Great website!
    Merry Christmas to all of you ‘survivors’ here!!
    I, myself, am a survivor of abuse also. I pray that the new year bring us all peace in our hearts. It’s not easy I know. Yes, we wear the scars of our horrific crimes committed against us, but there is strength in numbers. Reaching out to others who have suffered helps us in the healing process. God bless!!

  12. “I suck. That is all.”

    Kathryn… you suck, I suck, we all suck but everything we go through can be overcome… especially if we help each other. If you have someone you can talk to please find them, if you have a blogger friend who can help please talk to them and if you need someone to bounce ideas off of, just send me an email. I don’t know if I can help, but I do have access to lots of really cool YouTubes… most of them are about hockey though.

  13. Jill says:

    Hi, This morning while getting ready for work, I realized that I am REALLY mad at my mom, and after 40 years, I haven’t been able to forgive her for turning a blind eye to the abuse I endured in my early childhood. I KNOW she knew but did nothing to protect me. I was threatened, of course, by my abusers, not to “tell” anyone. And I didn’t. But I did beg my mom not to let my brothers sleep with me. I almost feel like she got a kick out of letting them crawl into bed with me. As I am typing this, my heart is racing and I feel like my head is getting a huge rush of blood. I have suffered from terrible migraines since the age of 18. I wonder why? Ha. Anyway, now my mom is suffering from Alzheimer’s. We moved her into a assisted living facility a few months ago which has made it both easier and more difficult for me. I am the only child in town, and have tremendous guilt about not visiting her more often (I see her about once every 2 weeks, and can’t stand calling her). I have forgiven my abusers, but not her. I dont’ know why. Thanks for letting me get this little bit off my chest. For some reason, my feelings of resentment are getting worse. I would have thought after all these years I could have put it behind me.

  14. You know what Kathryn? You’re one of the most brave and talented person that I have ever come up with. You’re wrong about your life being uninteresting but hey, you’re just too good because you fought for the life that you have now. I understand the abuse that you are talking about because I’ve been subjected to such case once in my lifetime. That’s when we learn how to fight and live well the better part of life right? That’s why I think you are really a great person. And I hope and pray you all the best that God can give you just as well.

  15. Hi there! I just found you through the Crazy Chicks Club! So nice to meet you… I’ve been 29 for about six years now! LOL! Too funny. I enjoyed the post. ~Pam

  16. Bless you! for your honesty and bravery. It does, as they say, get better. Eventually. And? You get to not be 29 anymore! Which turns out to be a good thing.

  17. PC says:

    Thank you so much for taking the time to stop by my site and to comment. I appreciate it very much.

  18. PC and boozilla. Thanks for stopping by. I rant a lot, but hey, isn’t that what 95% of bloggers do? :-P

  19. Thank you so much for your comments on my blog. I have started reading yours and felt that somehow I was just meant to read it. I have not had the courage to write about my own abusive experiences. Maybe I will one day, but for the moment I trust that I am in a good place and feel very blessed. I hope that one day you will feel you are more than worthy and are able to unreservedly accept the love and kindness that others show you. Its a long hard road, and I’m still travelling on mine. Hugs.

  20. J says:

    Hi Kathryn, Sometime back I must have signed up for notifications, I really don’t remember. But now that I’ve connected with you I want to tell you that I don’t know who I am either, and I’m 52 years old. I was sexually, physically and verbally abused by my brothers until I was about 10 or 11. My earliest memories are around 4 years old, but I can’t shake the feeling that it started much earlier. I think my worst fear is that my mom may have known all about it, and let it continue. I can’t be sure about that either. So many unanswered questions….. I have somewhat forgiven her and my brothers, in an attempt to make my life better. They say if you don’t forgive, it will eat you up. I did the therapy thing for awhile in my late 20′s but I don’t feel it was useful. Anyway, know there are millions of us out there and maybe we can all help one another. Thank you for creating this blog.

  21. Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment. It means a lot to me that people find my ramblings helpful.

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