Left Field

It’s been a long time since I had an abuse flavored nightmare.  And for that, I’m thankful.  It made me realize how far I’ve come. What made this one all the more disturbing is that it was conjoined with “memories” of what my best friend’s funeral would have been like.  The whole thing was bizarre.  Besides M, I can only identify one other person, C.  C and M were good friends.  I was friends with C too, more so now since M’s death.

I was at M’s wake in the dream.  Of course, I couldn’t really go because I was in Korea.  If I had had the money, I would have gone in a heartbeat and told my boss to go fuck herself for a week.  I was devastated because I wasn’t there for M.  We talked on the phone and IM, but I wasn’t there for her in person through her cancer battle.  And that I regret.

In my dream the whole wake turned into a three ring circus.  The music was all wrong.  I have a feeling I knew the priest, but I can’t put my finger on who it was.  At the end, I was in a room all by myself crying.  The priest came in and asked if I wanted to talk, so I started talking about M.  I have a feeling the priest was really Father A from Austin, but it didn’t look like him.  All he kept saying was “There’s something else you need to talk about”.  I kept insisting no.  Finally I was screaming at him “I don’t want to talk about my father!”  And then my father walks in.

That’s where I wake up.  I was sweating and shaking, on the verge of tears.  I think deep down I know my therapy really isn’t finished.  I’ll be heading back to Korea soon (I got a job in the city I was working before so I can keep my pdoc and rheumy).  I guess I’ll try to find someone who does therapy.  I won’t be starting work until 1 or so, which gives me time to see docs in the morning.

Even though it’s been hours, I’m still quite upset.  My fibro pain is flaring up so I took a pain pill, which of course is making me sleepy.  I think I’ll put on some mindless TV and maybe fall asleep to it even though it’s on 3:30.  Not that I really want to sleep.  I want my brain to shut the hell up.  Maybe I should have taken some Ativan instead of the pain pill…

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